Thoughts on an old journal

Hello. Hi. Hmmm. Haha. It's been a while hasn't it? Yeah, so sorry it's taken so long to come back with an actual post. I've just been stuck in my own routine, saving myself from this mundane lifestyle we all call "quarantine". I'm sure by now the world is sick and tired of this word and the lifestyle everyone is forced to live. Still, if I must be honest, I've always been quite the homebody anyway so it really doesn't bother me much. I'm quite glad that the pandemic has forced me to live a certain lifestyle, which led to a better life overall. I can't believe we've been in this pandemic for almost a year! It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'd like to say that it was a much needed change for me. Moving on to this new year, Jamy and I are anticipating much change- actually, it's a lot of changes! We have four major goals and I have no idea how it'll come together, but I truly trust in God and His timing for our lives. In any case, it'll give us something to do while we wait for this world to change or at least until everything normalize. Whatever that means! HAHA :)

Anyway, the holidays has come and gone. Our family tried to make the holidays as normal as possible. Covid wasn't going to steal that joy from us too!  We were with our families and exchanged gifts. We ate 'til we dropped. It was really nice. I enjoyed being with families and laughing nonstop. I got to see all my nieces and nephews! We cooked until our feet gave out. I enjoyed it all very much. Such joy to be around people I love and care about! Best part of it all, I got a whole week off of work at the beginning of the year (11 days including the weekend)! It was a much needed break. I so did not want to return to work so when my boss asked how everything was, I automatically replied with "It's good to be back at work!" My boss laughed and said he knew that was a darn lie! I guess I'm still on auto-pilot. I had to rethink my answer and couldn't help but laughed out loud. The real answer was, "I'm so sad to come back! I don't want to come back! I will be happy if I never have to work again!" but of course, I laughed outloud and we moved on. HAHA 

With the new year here, I attempted to Spring clean. Cleaning through everything, I found a very old journal. When I said "old", I mean from back in 2002-2003. Oh gosh, God surely had mercy on my soul. I wrote in that journal a lot when I was younger. Man, I was stuck in that time loop for what seemed like eternity! I won't lie. I had tears reading through that journal. It's still so raw possibly because I never got professional help, I just buried it away and the Hmong in me just went on with life. That's one thing I learned. If you can't get up, at least hang on. It was truly a season of trials and I got so tired from fighting every single battle. I was truly exhausted. I was so exhausted that I gave up on life, but thank the Lord that He didn't give up on me. My goodness! Reading back through this journal, my love was so pure. I didn't know people were evil. I truly thought there was good in everyone. I loved so hard and loved with every cell in my body! I am a different person now and for the better. I'm tougher, stronger and matured some. I don't fight every battle-- only the ones that bring meaning to my life. Often, I think about that little girl. My younger self crying out for help, but no one could help me. God knows, people tried. Often, I wish I can go back. I would talk to her and assure her that we'll be alright, that life may be tough, but we'll do just fine in life. That her parents aren't her enemies. That God gave her just enough to allow her to hang on. Looking back now, I am forever thankful! I don't ever understand the ways of the Lord, but I know I shouldn't question God. God's been so good to me.  After some time in the journal, it went from daily updates to annual updates. Oh, that's how life goes sometimes. 

Right now, we're downstairs in Kengie's home where my husband and I currently reside. I'm sitting here on this late Friday evening on one couch as my husband lays on the other. Some type of murder mystery show is playing on Netflix, but I can't hear as I have my beats on and blasting Hmong music while typing this post. Jamy, on the other hand, is listening to the TV but is on his phone. There's no plan to leave this couch anytime soon, unless we have to use the restroom, because we're both not tired and tomorrow is rest day! If this isn't a blessing than I don't know what is. As my husband and I plan on our next chapter in life, there's much to consider. However, right now, this couch seems pretty comfortable.

Quickly before I go, our goals for this year are just as intense as last year's if not more. Eeeeeks! 

1. Lose 60 lbs.

2. Pay off the Genesis.

3. Save money

4. Purchase a home.

Yes, in that order. I just know these are things we HAVE TO DO. I just don't know how I'm going to get them accomplish, but as I always say to my team at work, "Let's focus on what we can control." Right now, I can control losing weight and I have... I have lossed 10 lbs since January has started. Can't wait to come back with an even larger number to share with you. Okay, that's all for now. See ya!