The Decade Old Journal

After coming back home from a busy day of doing everything under the sun, I took out a journal. You see, I'm a writer (not a very good one, but I enjoy writing). What I mean is that I keep journals. I'm not sure if that qualifies me as a "writer" per se, but whatev's (excuse my arrogance). Usually, I would just reach in and grab whatever journal is closest to me and write in it. Yes, my journals are in no particular order and though I have a little more than 15 journals, only a few are actually completed. Upon reaching for one, an old journal fell to the ground. The journal reads "Jesus Freaks" dc Talk. I remember this journal a little too well, yet I wish so much that all the memories of this journal would  fade quickly into thin air. I won this journal from a raffle from a youth function back in '02 and had since used it as a prayer journal/deep thoughts. Prayers they were and extremely deep thoughts too! I wrote a lot at the beginning when I first got the journal, but the entries faded out as the years went by. A couple years flew by without any entries. Touching the rims of the journal now I'm reminded as to why I shied away from that particular journal entirely for quite some time.

Re-reading my thoughts and prayers, I'm reminded of those horrible earlier years. Oh, that depression that I had undergone. That was ten years ago, but reading it felt like it happened just yesterday. I'm ten years older now. I'd like to say that I'm a little wiser too (if not by much) and I know why I was depressed. Yes, I said it, I was depressed and had I seen a doctor of some sort, I probably would've been diagnose with depression. It was that bad! Re-reading the entries now, I couldn't help but cry because yes, it still hurts. An entry from another journal read, "...I wish I was still the same innocent girl from way back when I loved whole-heartedly". My heart was once eaten alive because I let it. I lived to please others and therefore I suffered for it. Today, I'm reminded as to why I can't be that girl anymore. I'm not that girl anymore! However, every now and then, I still have nightmares about the past. I still awake from time to time shaken by dreams that was a constant reminder of my failures and my pain. I know that Satan is using these memories to taunt me, but what he doesn't know is that I've already made peace with the past. My loving husband offered to destroy the journal for me, but a part of me is reluctant to let it go. Why not, you may wonder, if it causes me so much eminent pain?  Though the entries bring me agony, it is also a great revelation of how God worked in my life. Even though I was in pain, the entries showed how I overcame this madness: it is only through Christ who gave me strength. I flipped to the end and saw a piece of paper with the word "FORGIVEN" drawn out on it. Taped. Signed and dated. At first I was speechless because I had totally forgotten that it was there, but after recollecting my thoughts, I'm able to rejoice knowing that while I was seeking forgiveness, I was already forgiven. An old friend of mine drew this and stuck it in my Jesus Freaks journal without my knowledge. How ironic!

Though this decade old journal is filled with so much grief, I'm inspired to fill it with joy and happiness from now on because there is so much to tell about the greatness of God's glory that's happening in my life right this moment and I can't thank God enough for the work that He's done in me (even though if I could choose it any other way, I probably would have). teehehe! Hopefully this journal will see more daylight this year because I know that God is not done with me yet. In fact, I can hear God laughing right now and He's saying, "Child, I have just begun".